I love my ax
I picked upDog’s Lifeon recommendation from a friend. They told me, “This sounds like the sort of game you’d cover in your column.” I didn’t think much of it, then realized, “Wait, which column?” I have one that coversbad games, and one that coversobscure good games. I didn’t ask, because I prefer pretending to be omnipotent.
But then, I’m picking the game up at the pawnshop and the clerk tells me, “Dog’s Lifeis way more fun than it has any right to be.” What doesthatmean? He didn’t say anything aboutCrush Hour, which I was picking upat the same time.That would have tipped me off that he was just lying to enable my purchase. So was this a buried gem or a buried squirrel carcass? It’s actually a bit of both.
Let me show youDog’s Life’s papers, because, wow. It was created by Frontier Developments and directed and designed by David Braben.David Braben, the guywho co-createdElite. You haveno ideahow much time I poured intoFrontier: Elite II and Frontier: First Encountersas a teen. Not that the guy’s track record is squeaky clean, but you get a special kind of respect for inventing the first space trucking game.
Weirdly,Dog’s Lifeshares similar philosophies asElite. Firstly, it obviously started with the question, “I wonder if we can make a game based aroundblank.” Second, it’s crammed full of interesting tech. Okay, maybe they didn’t create a finite but massive universe to cruise around in, but they did get the dog to move without stiff animations.
Can you guess what the story here is inDog’s Life? Yeah, it’s about evil dog catchers abducting the main mutt, Jake’s, true love, Daisy. I’m trying to think of a dog story that doesn’t involve that. Here we go:Homeward Bound.The Fox and the Hound. I’m pretty sureThe Shaggy Doghad dog catchers in it, but I really wish my mind had let that stay buried. I’m very upset right now.
Jake has to follow the trail of these dog catchers in order to save his lost love. Only not really. With you in control of Jake, you mostly meander about, sniffing up stinks and collecting bones. Sometimes you get bonesforcollecting stinks, and that’s pretty cool. I bet my dog wishes I’d give him treats for sniffing the same spot for, like, an hour.
These bones allow you to strengthen your powers of pissing. Also, digging. The number of bones you have dictates how you compare to other dogs, and gaining more of them not only gives you an advantage in literal pissing matches but also allows you to proceed through the game’s areas. How many bones are in a human body? What? I’m not implying anything, but now that you mention it, you’re almost always one murder away from completion. It’s just, you know, an observation.
You gain bones by completing various tasks in each environment. Typically, one bone is merely buried. One or two might just be lying around. But many of them require you to herd sheep or collect batteries. Others put you in competition with another dog, and defeating them allows you to control them through a power I didn’t know dogs have: possession. Often, there’s a goal that requires this other four-legged friend, but you can accomplish many of the stages’ objectives if there’s a breed that catches your eye.
It’s really early-aughts in its design. It’s like aTony Hawk’s Pro Skatergame, but instead of doing some sick tricks to unleash chaos, you’re helping somebody find their ax by tracking their scent. Then they stand there, overjoyed that their ax has returned to them, repeating the same voice lines over and over. The most creative it gets is with its smell-o-vision, which puts you in the dog’s perspective and allows you visibly see color-coded scents on the ground. Amusingly, it desaturates the colors of the environment, as well, to sort of mimic a dog’s color-blindness.
The back of the box touts up to 40 hours of gameplay, which is hilarious to me. It reminds me of whenOgre Battle 64put theestimate of 50 hourson the back of the box, but it took me around 90 to complete it.Dog’s Lifeis the other way around. It’s much shorter than it brags about. I’m pretty sure I clocked in at eight hours, and I spent a lot of time gathering bones to upgrade my bone power. What are the remaining 32 hours supposed to consist of, box? Are you hoping that I both really suck and am really patient? A poor assumption on both fronts.
What’s there is a pretty shallow and uninventive collect-a-thon. Over-boning and easily dominating the other dogs is really not difficult. Some levels feel like they aren’t even trying, just leaving bones around for you to add to your collection. There’s this feeling like it needed a longer polishing phase to balance the game better.
Dog’s Lifeis a pretty long way from the worst kusoge I’ve experienced. I’m going to disagree with pawnshop guy and say that it is exactly as fun as it deserves to be, and that’s about as much fun as you’d find in a clearance bin. You know, not entirely a waste of time, but maybe an unfulfilling use of a weekend. It also doesn’t feel like a soulless product, though perhaps one that was completed out of obligation rather than because the team was passionate about bringing it to the world.
I’d be amiss if I didn’t mention thatDog’s Lifeholds a record for most voice-overs recorded by one person. Apparently, Kerry Shale put the words in the mouths of 32 characters. I mean, this results in a lot of them having goofy, cliched voices, but still, pretty impressive.
